It's My Party And I Will Cry If I Want To

DECEMBER HOLY SHIT you are giving me a run for my money! Maybe if this rain turned into snow I could get my spirits up some. So “It’s My Party And I Will Cry If I Want To” I hope to be a continuing thing and just be open and honest with how I am feeling and just when shit has hit the fan. And it has hit the fan! (The cover picture brings me so much happiness being pregnant, in Hawaii, and with my loves.)

I try to do it all I really do and not for bragging rights but in my core it is what I feel, I gave birth and had my four children so it should be me that takes care of them and yes I do feel bad leaving them for going out multiple night or missing an event at school. But right now in this month I am overwhelmed, so much that if you follow my IG I had talked about having an eye twitch that developed right after Thanksgiving and guess what it is still around. My stress has manifested into an actual tick, that is how well I am not managing life right now. Ok so back to my wonderful kids I don’t trust anyone to watch them is a big problem I have. But I like to be able to break away from my baby sometimes and there is not too many people who are comfortable with Yasi crying which is purely from no other reason then just wanting me, (so again moms don’t believe the hype that breastfeeding is the only thing that builds this incredible bond with your baby because my son is seriously attached to me and only me, and I only breast fed for maybe a month ((pumped for another 2)). I truly believe you do not know someones frustration level with how much they could handle my sons crying and three girls running around playing that someone could then hurt my baby. I mean if I can get overwhelmed some day and these are my kids what would a stranger do? This might sound like pure craziness but these are the things I think which then prevent me from getting a babysitter and why I really only trust family to watch the kids which allows me to walk away have a great night out without worrying and stressing. Long story short we have my in-laws coming into town closer to Christmas but with Q being gone so much all of the time and so much to do this month I was crying yes very much crying to my husband that I need help! I need a date night, I need someone to do pickup/drop offs, I need someone to let me run errands by myself (hi Amazon my true love you’ve been doing me good girl), and I need to not feel bad about it. So Q called his mom and asked her if she could come earlier then she had planned and she is!!!

I carry a lot of guilt on shoulders and no one is putting it there but me. I haven’t cooked dinner pretty much all week and skipped Blue Apron this week cause I did not like the options, Q did not say anything but I automatically feel guilty for not being a better wife. Again might sound crazy but this is how I am. I want these roles wife and mother those are my “jobs” and I want to do them well. Even when I was working I wanted to do my best, I didn’t want to disappoint and I wanted to help out wherever I could. I do not think it is a bad quality but it is extremely overwhelming and not just something I can “stop” or “turn off.” I say yes too much when I should be saying NO. This week Zo had a parent teacher conference and I learned I have pretty much made a clone Zoey is SO creative , so smart, and just not afraid to try things… accept when it comes to school (she is still smart at school and creative just won’t try new things). She won’t take risks and is so afraid of making mistakes that she takes a long time to finish her work. Her confidence has taken a hit this year as 2nd grade has gotten harder, so definitely trying to find ways to build her up and go for it at school! Q read(audible version) a book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” and said to then blame yourself for your kid’s faults or them not flourishing the way you hoped is selfish, that you’re making it all about you. BUT IT IS!!!!! I am the one home and raising them so I put it on myself if my children aren’t doing the best they can do. I know I know Zoey will be fine she is someone who is in an environment that is really hard the curriculum is really hard so school wise I know she is not behind, I just want her to have the confidence that I do not have (and I hated school so I really want her to like it !).

Each month we have a whiteboard calendar and I wrote it out just yesterday.. 8 days into December. We had the parent teacher conference already but the rest of the month includes: 3 Seahawks games (one away), Yasi turns ONE, Hawkmas Charity Event us and our friends are doing to help 12 families for the holidays, twins Christmas performance, Sip n Paint (night out by myself), Favorite Things Brunch, Seahawks Kids and Adult parties, Christmas, and New Years Eve. These are all first world problems I get it but it is a lot on top of the kids finishing up school before winter break, everyone has outfits for all events, doing Christmas cards, mailing Christmas cards, oh have I taken a shower?, making dinner, Christmas shopping (why can’t Santa be real?!?? I guess thats why they invented Amazon Prime!), family coming into town, making lunches, cleaning lunch containers, returning library books, buying gifts for family members, again have I showered?, bathing kids (again 4 kids bathed and 3 girls hair combed and done is seriously a whole job someone could have), have kids had vitamins?, Zo’s homework, laundry (again someone could just have a job doing laundry for this household), and just the random shit that gets thrown my way (Q had a flat tire 2x in a matter of weeks, I became his Uber driver). I know I signed up for it all and I accept that and I love that because I love my husband and I love my kids. But when Sunday night hits and I have not had a free moment to myself since Wednesday, I look forward to Monday when all the girls go off to school and when Yasi will take a nap and I can get a slight moment of silence.

To grow and become a better ME I know I need to actually do it instead of just saying it but first thing would be to hire a housekeeper, we are at a stage in life we can afford it so for my sanity I need to. Also to ASK FOR HELP I am glad I told my husband and he asked his mom to come earlier. Third get as many date nights in with my husband as possible because we need a refresh to enjoy each other and not have all our focus on the kids! Next is I did not sign the kids up for anything this month. Usually we do swimming or last month it was Taekwondo and basketball. But you know what they will survive and we do not need to add extra on our plate this month! Also, I was never gonna do a big birthday for Yasi even the small one I was gonna do I decided to just eliminate it all together and do a family birthday party but the part that I like creating a decorating is still gonna happen even if it is only my kids who see it. And last I am going to Sip n Paint night with my friend Chas and mama is gonna do some serious ass sipping!